By Shailendree Wickrama Adittiya
Every so often, posts about consent in sexual or intimate settings circulate on social media, with some leading to lengthier discourse. Over the weekend, users shared posts about how no means no, but so does “stop”, “maybe we should wait”, “I don’t want to”, and so on. While sharing such posts doesn’t take more than a few seconds, applying these concepts in life, especially in bed, is another matter entirely.
One of the main arguments made regarding consent in this context is how it can ruin the mood. Some argue that having to ask for consent, especially throughout an experience and not just at the beginning, can make things awkward, while others say that this argument is made by those who don’t really understand what it means to get one’s partner’s consent.
In order to get a better idea of this, The Morning Brunch reached out to members of the public, asking them if consent can ruin the mood.
Indicative of one’s mindset
According to Amey, the argument that asking for consent ruins the mood is a lazy, unempathetic, and uncaring cop-out, and is indicative of one’s mindset. She explained that this argument tells her two things: Firstly, that the person thinks of sex either in a transactional manner or as something one person does to another, instead of what it’s supposed to be – conversation, negotiation, an experience two people have together.
Secondly, she said, this points to a complete lack of imagination. It could be that the person just hasn’t had a lot of sex, but Amey added that even those who haven’t been intimate with another can still imagine sexual scenarios. If the only way you can imagine asking for someone’s consent during the act of sex is very dryly (“Do I have your formal consent to touch you on your thigh?”) as opposed to leaning against someone and whispering something along the lines of, “I’m going to put my hand on your thigh. Is that okay with you?”, then it’s a very different experience you are having and providing someone, she said.
“You can tell when someone becomes uncomfortable during sex. It’s not that hard. You watch them. You are supposed to be paying attention to them. You are supposed to be caring about how they are feeling,” Amey explained.
She also spoke about consent and knowing when to stop within the context of the kink community, as this is something that gets discussed a lot.
“BDSM, whether sexual or non-sexual, because there is both, is an activity that requires someone explicitly giving consent constantly to having certain acts of certain levels of violence being done to them,” Amey said, adding that people have to consent to these acts, but in a moment of heightened emotions, they may verbally say yes, but physically say no. In such a situation, you must learn how to read that in someone’s body language.
This goes beyond the kink community, to sex in general, and Amey said: “If you are not paying enough attention to the cues of your partner’s body, then you are not treating them as a partner. You are treating them as an object out of which you are gaining sexual pleasure. That is the fundamental thing that is needed for you to have consensual sex – for you to understand that this is a person who has feelings, who has reactions, who is experiencing something at the same time that you are experiencing something.”
Thus, while verbal consent is the gold standard, we must remember that sometimes, in such moments, people lose the ability to speak, which is why one must remember that what they are doing to their partner affects that person, and we must make sure we don’t hurt them. There is thus no need to break the mood and pause every few minutes to formally ask them for consent.
Amey added that this knowledge or understanding isn’t mastered by having a lot of sex, but by being human and caring about people.
Consent and assumptions
Sharing her thoughts on the topic, Shazzana said that consent and its significance are truly assessed when it comes to intimate or sexual activities.
“Despite gender, a lot of us from my generation were not taught about our capacity to consent. Perhaps our caregivers and teachers themselves were not aware of it. The generation of women before them certainly felt like they did not have it,” she said, adding that this is perhaps why our grandmothers had so many children.
Shazzana added that, in her opinion, consent is still evolving in Sri Lanka, and is yet to be regularised in our communication.
“To elaborate, when it comes to the opposite sex, we were advised to always say no; because if you said yes to a kiss, you are pretty much not saying no to anything else. I am starting to think that perhaps the men of my generation were also told this because when you say yes to a first date, the assumption on their end is that you also say yes to a kiss,” she said, explaining that this is not the case.
However, she noted, if you do willingly kiss someone on the first date, then there is an assumption on their end of implied consent for sex, whether oral and/or penetrative. “This is also because most men have this innate entitlement to prioritise their own pleasure. Mutual pleasure, on the other hand, has consent expressively,” she shared.
Similar to Shazzana’s views on the need to regularise consent in our communication, Abhishek shared that there is a need to unlearn patterns of thinking where one sees asking for consent as a turn-off, and normalise asking for consent. Abhishek explained that if someone feels like they would like to be more spontaneous during sex, they could discuss it with their partner beforehand, and ensure their partner is open to spontaneous acts.
“And that they’d stop if requested. It’s as simple as respecting a no,” Abhishek said.
Consent and satisfaction
Prasantha shared that asking for consent could ruin the mood for some if they don’t ask it properly and their partner is not satisfied. However, if their partner is satisfied, Prasantha said he doubted there will be a problem asking for consent.
“You could ask in a loving, sweet way whether they are okay with doing a certain thing, and when you start doing it, ask again if that person is alright. If you ask too much, I guess it would ruin the mood.”
“It could be awkward if it’s the first time for both of them,” he said, but went on to say that if a partner can say that they want a certain act done in a certain way or they want to try a different position, then there is also room to ask for consent. This makes the argument that asking for consent can ruin the mood a mere excuse.
Boundaries and respect
Nish noted that consent is talked about a lot more now, and said it is truly amazing how conversations evolve, saying that “within relationships, you start to see women raise boundaries and you even encounter men who ask”. Nish added that there was a time when consent wasn’t something anyone spoke about, and women were pressured into keeping their boyfriends happy or seeming cool.
“Movements like #MeToo sparked an environment of support amongst women and helped build confidence amongst women who would feel alone in their struggles.”
However, Nish went on to say that despite this, anyone who has been on dating apps will have encountered the question: “What are you here for?” And they will also meet men who seem perfectly fine talking and getting to know each other, while others react quite adversely to those who say they are not looking for a hookup and want to talk and get to know people. “In the minds of some people, Tinder is a space for debauchery and casual encounters.”
Nish added: “If you look at Twitter or even Facebook, you see conversations of consent and the ‘inconvenience’ it poses. I’ve seen comments like ‘we have to ask permission for everything now’ and ‘even simple things we now can’t do’ or ‘these feminists are so toxic talking about consent so much’.”
She explained that this kind of discourse is worrying because it indicates that if men were to not suffer the consequences of breaching boundaries of consent, they would gladly do so.
“It’s so important to talk about consent, teach consent, and learn how to enforce our boundaries because setting healthy boundaries is not about adherence to moral niceties. It’s about having a full and final say about who touches you, or what happens to you or your body.”
Nish went on to say that it also allows us to understand ourselves better and enables us to learn to trust our instincts and have confidence in ourselves. “And consent isn’t just about permission; at its crux, consent is about respect.”
She elaborated that asking for consent is not a permission-based question, and is not a basic yes-or-no question like “May I go to the bathroom?” Instead, asking for consent is an acknowledgement of another person’s bodily autonomy, and it shows you have respect.
“I’ve heard of stories where women just go along with something because they didn’t want to ruin the mood. The guy didn’t ask for consent but ‘things just happened’, and these stories were always washed with shame and an element of ‘that was a mistake’. And that’s heartbreaking. Intimacy should be caring. You shouldn’t walk away from it feeling violated and ashamed.”