Last week saw queer communities around the world rejoice online as Rebel Wilson, an Australian actress best known for her comedic work in films like Pitch Perfect, revealed on Instagram that she was in a relationship with a woman – a clothing designer named Ramona Agruma. In her post where she announced her new relationship, Wilson wrote: “I thought I was searching for a Disney Prince… but maybe what I really needed all this time was a Disney Princess. #loveislove.” She included this caption alongside a photo of herself and her partner.
Coming out during Pride Month, what many thought was a sweet and happy moment, was soon tainted by the revelation that Wilson’s decision to come out may not have been her own, and that an Australian newspaper may have forced her hand by publicly acknowledging her relationship. A journalist revealed online that he had planned on disclosing Wilson’s relationship himself, and had given her a two-day window in which to respond before publishing.
Once this incident was made public, people were outraged. Coming out of the closet, or simply ‘coming out,’ is a reference to LGBTQ+ people’s self-disclosure of their sexual orientation, romantic orientation, or gender identity, and it is widely known to be a very personal experience left to the agency of the person coming out. It is also a process that can create an upheaval in their life, since as we all know, being accepted by your family, your friends and even your country as an LGBTQ+ person is far from guaranteed or easy, even in countries where same-sex relationships are not criminalised and LGBTQ+ persons are legally protected from discrimination.
It is an incredibly unfortunate thing to be forced to reveal personal details about oneself so publicly. However, even on occasions where your privacy is violated before smaller segments of people, it is no less tragic. Given that June is Pride Month, Brunch reached out to a number of LGBTQ+ community members in Sri Lanka, to share their own stories of coming out, the experience of being forced to come out, and how that may affect individuals.
Coming out is a process
Ursula Bastianz, an outspoken activist for the queer community in Sri Lanka, shared her thoughts on the Rebel Wilson situation, contextualising her experience to Sri Lanka, and speaking about the connotations surrounding coming out in a country where it was not socially acceptable to be a lesbian.
“Rebel Wilson was wronged. No matter how beautiful and endearing it was to hear that she had found love, it was traumatising to hear that she was forced to make an announcement that, in an ideal world, she should’ve been given the time to speak on her own terms. As a person from the LGBTQ+ community in Sri Lanka, when I first saw the post, I was so excited that this actress I knew and honestly loved was also like me in some ways, but that moment of joy was replaced by immense sadness when I found out the circumstances under which she had to make that announcement,” she said.
“It boils down to the fact that people just assume they have agency over another person’s private matters. This is why even in our country, people find it so hard to wrap their heads around the fact that LGBTQ+ people exist and should be given equal rights,” Ursula explained.
“They believe they have a right to dictate how things function in another person’s life, even if it doesn’t concern them or even if they don’t even know the person. For example, I can’t get married – a choice that would affect no one but myself – because a bunch of other people have decided that I don’t deserve that right.”
Ursula also spoke about “pushing people out of the closet” and how often that happened in Sri Lanka.
“Outing people forcefully happens here in Sri Lanka. It’s an awful situation to have to go through and how the person who’s being outed reacts can differ from person to person,” she noted, sharing an instance where it tragically did happen to someone she knew.
“A girl I know was outed by her teacher to her parents, and as a result, she was pulled out of college and kept at home, away from her partner. She was physically assaulted by her family and denied the opportunity to learn, all because a teacher decided that she had to get involved. The girl survived and made it through that ordeal, but it’s not always the case. People have even committed suicide because they were outed, and I can’t imagine how, with so many examples of how badly things can go, people and even entities still do this. How can one justify causing so much pain?”
There are many occasions where an individual’s agency may be robbed from them. Brunch spoke to Prabhashana Hasthidhara, who noted his thoughts about being forced to come out and shared yet another story where someone was forced to reveal who they were before they were really ready.
“There was an instance where someone I knew was in a rather toxic relationship and when they broke it off, their ex-partner began to harass them and became a threatening presence in their lives. The actions of this person were progressively getting more violent, which forced this person to reveal their identity and the nature of their relationship to their family in order to ensure their safety,” said Prabhashana.
Even in such an instance, being forced to come out is an incredibly unfortunate thing to undergo. Prabhashana also shared his thoughts on coming out and whether he believes there can be exceptions to being pushed out of the closet, or whether perhaps loved ones do have a right to know.
“I understand when people say loved ones deserve to know. I understand where they are coming from, but coming out is a very complex thing. Before the act of coming out which is the only part that the world sees, we struggle and question our identity for years, and it is an ongoing struggle. Years later, when you are comfortable, maybe you will feel ready, but it takes a lot of time. Even then, having come to terms with who you are, your environment may not be supportive or safe. And on occasions where everyone is welcoming and accepting, you yourself may not feel the need to come out. All these occasions are valid and some people may not want to come out at all. I think it is entirely their decision and it is far too personal of a thing to say you owe a responsibility to anyone but yourself.”
Why do we even have to come out?
Satya Baashi shared a rather different viewpoint, shedding light on the different ways that people tend to come out.
“Often in creating friendships we all gravitate towards people we relate to, so oftentimes when it comes to LGBTQ+ community persons they have friends with whom they share their identity and come out to them. However, in such friend circles, there is a tendency to encourage these individuals to further come to terms with their identity. This is largely because to come out is an ongoing process. You are never done coming out. Every new person you meet, you must choose to come out to. And so, for numerous reasons, friend groups tend to encourage people to come out to their family, and perhaps to other friends with good intentions,” said Satya.
She noted that there was a difference, however, in encouraging a friend to come out. She also added that when there were public figures who revealed themselves, they inspired others to also see the potential one had when they were true to themselves and the world. “Sometimes it may be a freeing experience. However, it is conditional on each individual’s personal environment and circumstances,” she said.
Much like the majority of LGBTQ+ community members we reached out to, Satya too noted how coming out was a process and a multi-tiered experience. However, she stressed that despite friends with good intentions or even fellow community members encouraging a person to come out, if the person in question did not wish to do so then the conversation should end there.
“No one has the right to force another to come out, how to come out, whom to come out to. We do not force straight people to come out, or press them to reveal what their preferences are, their orientation, or their identity,” she said, adding: “Oftentimes when people come out, we do not always see the macro and micro consequences of coming out.”
Coming out is an experience only one person can define
For the multitude of reasons outlined above, and many more besides, the process of coming out is very unique to each queer person, and no two queer people have the same coming out experience. And while Wilson’s case is high-profile because she is a celebrity, there are many other queer individuals who have experienced being forced out of the closet, or being outed before they were truly ready to express themselves.
The emotional, physical, social and even financial consequences of being forced to out oneself are never easy to determine, especially in a country like ours, which still criminalises same-sex relationships, actively discriminates against queer persons and affords them very little legal protection. It is important that we as a society remember to accept those around us for who they are, including the limits they place on how they want to be known to the people around them.
For example, Satya noted that she was personally someone who favoured anonymity and valued her privacy, and therefore she was sometimes incredibly appreciative of the option she had to blend in. She added that this was what we all strive for as humans – to blend in and be a part of a community and not to be the odd one out. Therefore, it is only natural that it may be an incredibly difficult decision to share with the world that you are different, and individuals should be allowed to make that choice on their own terms.