– Benjamin Franklin
How often have you ended up in truly unfavourable situations by saying “yes” to the wrong things?
Bet you can count the times you agreed to something you felt in your gut wasn’t a good idea at the time, but you went ahead with it anyway. Be it a work scenario, at a social setting, with family or friends, or even a personal circumstance. And I’ll wager that saying “yes” didn’t render unto you the results you quite expected? Far from it, I reckon.
How many people grow complacent and end up stuck in the same rut perpetually because they say “yes” to everything?
Oh, you know as many as I do. Some people who perpetuate misery and just crave for company. Their lives are eternally in a stagnant limbo or in hyper-regression because “yes” is all they know to say. Some who keep making excuses for never fulfilling their goals and you hear about it consistently. Some who loathe their bosses and their jobs, complain about a lack of recompense or remuneration, always whining about their work politics but are stuck in the same loop for decades. Plenty who are in toxic relationships who go down an abysmal rabbit hole of no return by saying “yes” all the way, only to realise it’s a little too late to turn back.
We’ve all wasted time and trouble by just going with the proverbial flow and chiding that almighty “yes” at the best and worst of times, ending up in quite a bloody pickle.
Another brick in the wall
No.
Can one little word be a game-changer? The thing that tips the scales? Can such a small word have such colossal power over determining how a course of events will unravel? Can this one word be the difference between standing up for your own best interests and merely being just another brick in the wall? The word that makes or breaks you? Perhaps even being the catalyst that can lead to your happiness, growth, overall productivity, and solidarity.
It seems like such a small thing really. As they say, great events turn on small hinges.
Sometimes a straightforward “no” can help steer you out of some pretty nasty situations. It can help avoid a lot of unpleasantness in the long run. And even help prevent a lot of faeces from hitting the windmill.
Yet, it can also nip an issue in the bud before it exacerbates into a far bigger catastrophe. Saying “no” can help prevent dissatisfaction, disappointment, disagreements, and demoralisation.
Learning to say “no” depicts not only the degrees of self-respect you harness for yourself, but the respect you possess for someone else as well.
Shadow self
Why, then, do so many people say “yes” to things that don’t add any meaning or real value to their existence? Why say “yes” to people who use, abuse, gaslight, and exploit you? Why say “yes” to instances that make you compromise your standards, ethics, beliefs, and values? There are instances where it can be self-confidence issues or deep insecurities. Or an inherent need to be “liked” and to receive approval from the masses by subjugating oneself to the general rule of appeal, the popular thread of thought without coming across as recalcitrant and rebellious.
Just agreeing blindly to everything is also a processed condition of the flock or herd mentality. People are terrified of being singled out and not accepted to be a part of the common collective consciousness. And this results in detrimental consequences for the individual or often to others around them.
In analytical psychology, the shadow is the entirety of the unconscious or an unconscious aspect that the conscious ego does not identify with. Carl Jung argued that the shadow self is the unknown dark side of our personality. He claimed that there are negative and positives hidden in one’s shadow (be it anxieties, self-esteem, or certain beliefs) and may be a link to our more primordial animalistic instincts which are superseded by the cognisant and conscious mind as we develop as people.
Just do it
Saying “no” at the right time can help cultivate more steadfast habits for yourself. You will develop healthier boundaries, engage and immerse yourself in endeavours that truly have purpose and meaning, and let you take control of your own choices, your own decisions, letting you steer your vessel on calm or stormy seas – albeit, on your terms. Not having to compromise your values, or sacrifice your time and energy for things that are meaningless and short-lived.
Sometimes it is important to say “yes” to challenging situations in life, to seize opportunities, and take calculated risks in order to explore and grow.
Saying “no” when you feel intuitively and instinctively that you ought to will illustrate clarity, confidence, acuity, attributes of leadership, and fearlessness in the face of pressure and avail you with time to pay attention to and focus on your goals, agendas, dreams, passions, and self.
Figuring out how and when to say “no” is significant, of course. You must pick your battles carefully – the ones worth your while and the ones that aren’t. Because in life, knowing to say “no” to something you feel is hazardous, toxic, or debased is as integral as knowing when to agree to facing challenges, tackling hardships, and overcoming obstacles.
“No” will let you find balance in your life by not spearheading and diving into circumstances and situations beyond your control. You will become stronger, resilient, more driven, motivated, sanguine, and with power over your own life, be it personal, social, or professional.
Great events may turn on small hinges. But it just might start with one small word.
(Suresh de Silva is the frontman and lyricist of Stigmata, a creative consultant and brand strategist by profession, a self-published author and poet, thespian, animal rescuer, podcaster, and fitness enthusiast)
The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect those of this publication.