Talking weddings and marriage with Nelum Haththella

By Jennifer Anandanayagam  

It’s always refreshing to speak with someone who isn’t afraid to swim against the tide. It’s also pleasant when conversation flows to topics you didn’t really think you’d discuss. From discussing the wedding industry in Sri Lanka to tackling topics like marriage and monogamy, my tête-à-tête with Brides of Sri Lanka Founder and Managing Director Nelum Haththella was interesting, to say the least. Haththella is the Managing Director of N.V.R. Publishers (Pvt.) Ltd. which publishes Brides of Sri Lanka, Mangalyaa, and Healthwise. 

Wedding Week 2022, an initiative by Brides of Sri Lanka is ending today (20). It was held on 19 and 20 February at the Galle Face Hotel. 

How has the pandemic affected the wedding industry in Sri Lanka?

The very reason for us to organise Wedding Week 2022 was because my suppliers – my wedding industry people – have suffered greatly in the last two years. Initially, there were no weddings at all. Then there was some relaxation on regulations and people were allowed to have weddings at home etc. Lots of suppliers and their staff suffered greatly and their households didn’t have an income. Many suppliers who were onboard with us actually closed down their businesses. Some of them migrated, some of them are still migrating because of the pandemic and the crisis within the Sri Lankan economy. Hence, instead of just having a wedding expo, we decided that we could create a very elite platform for brides and grooms to connect with wedding suppliers and for them to get back to their business and to network with other suppliers. That’s the reason behind Wedding Week 2022.

Tell me about the Brides of Sri Lanka story.

We started Brides of Sri Lanka as a website because there was a need for people to start planning their weddings online and start connecting with wedding suppliers in Sri Lanka. When Brides of Sri Lanka was launched in 2006, it was a very novel concept for Sri Lankans to be able to use the internet to plan their weddings. The fact that you could go onto a website, find suppliers, when traditionally people would have to travel to a florist or photographer to see their work, was new. This is an online portal, where you could check their work, and if you liked them, you can connect directly afterwards. The website is like a wedding directory and also a portal to every wedding supplier who’s listed in there. 

Why bridals and weddings?

When I started planning my wedding in 2002, though there was internet, we didn’t have an online portal in Sri Lanka to find wedding suppliers. We had to go by referrals, or people you know, or an advertisement. Similarly, we didn’t have a place to go to for inspiration. We didn’t have Pinterest or Instagram. I mostly went through magazines, or paper cutouts etc. I thought the best thing would be to have all of these things online because people were moving towards everything digital at the time and the website was a big deal. Because of what I went through, I realised this could be something really good for young people. And everybody embraced it immediately. We also replaced what a wedding planner would do. 

What was your childhood like?

Growing up, I was a child actress. My mother, Florence Haththella, was a film producer, so I come from a film background. I used to act in teledramas and movies – playing the child role of the heroine. I modelled in my younger years for TV commercials mostly. I’ve studied for a Bachelor’s in IT and Communication. I’ve done a diploma in HRM. I’m also studying for an MBA at the moment. 

Did you have an idea of a dream wedding as a kid?

Not when I was a kid, because I grew up like a tomboy. I actually started thinking about my wedding when I met my husband – Viraj Rajapakse – which was when I was around 16 years old. 

What is your fondest childhood memory?

Travelling. My mother used to take us all over the world since we were little; especially me, since there’s a gap of about 12 years between my older sister and I. So I was the pet in the house. They all got married when I was about 12. My father passed away when I was two. Ammi and I were very close. She was a businesswoman, she was an entrepreneur; she produced films, and she has a chemical company. She used to take me with her wherever she travelled – even for work. 

What would you say are the most challenging things about getting into and sustaining a product in the publishing industry?

It’s not just in the publishing industry, but in any industry, you have to be able to be agile. You have to change according to the needs of the market at the time. Back in the day, Brides of Sri Lanka was a website. Then we built the magazine as a supportive arm for the company. Then we moved on to other magazines – we started a health magazine, we are in the process of launching a food magazine as well. Then we launched Mangalyaa; it’s similar to Brides of Sri Lanka but it’s in Sinhala to cater to the masses. 

With the demands of our consumers, we change. We give them what they need. The website keeps changing almost on a monthly basis. For example, on 19 February, we will be launching the complete e-commerce website. It’s going to be the first online payment gateway for weddings, where you can pay your suppliers through a credit card, which is something new. Most wedding suppliers – salons, photographers, florists – are startups, some of them are entrepreneurs, some of them are small businesses; so most of them don’t have credit card payment facilities. Similarly, brides overseas would prefer a credit card transaction as opposed to a bank transfer. There are a lot of instances where wedding suppliers in Sri Lanka ask people to transfer funds and when people come down to the country, the suppliers are missing or their businesses have closed down. Because of this, we are providing this new service to the brides so there’s a trail for the payment as well. This will also create a lot of opportunities for those in the wedding industry. Most often, when it’s a wedding, you’re spending whatever liquid cash you have. Here, you’ll be able to use your credit card as well, which is an added benefit. 

Would you say your focus is mostly on the digital platform or the magazine?

We are focusing on both platforms to cater to all needs. We were the first magazine in Sri Lanka to launch an app (2014/2015) and go digital. We were digital even before digital reading was possible in Sri Lanka. We always forecast future trends and we cater to that. Our magazine is also globally recognised. We’re on board SriLankan Airlines. We have readers from all over the world. Lots of non-residents use our wedding magazine and website for their wedding planning as well. Because of this, we wanted to be reachable to any bride anywhere in the world. 

We wanted to continue the print platform as well, because unlike any other field of interest, when it comes to weddings and bridals, people still want to see pictures, and feel and hold a magazine, especially if their wedding was published in the magazine. They’d want to keep that as a keepsake. 

What do you think makes a successful marriage? 

I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years now. We’ve been dating since we were 16. Coming from my experience, I think the secret is that you marry your friend. That’s very important. When you marry a friend, half your problems are solved. We pretty much grew up with each other. That helped in a way because we reshaped each other’s needs and desires as we grew up. Some people might argue that once you grow up, you could realise that this isn’t the person you need. From my experience, it’s easier to live with a friend than with a lover, for sure. 

I’m not very much into this idea of having to sacrifice your needs to make another person happy in a marriage. At the end of the day, you’ve got to live happily. It’s not about putting your needs aside. It’s about selecting what’s most important and what makes you the happiest. If you feel like you’re not happy in a relationship, I think people should opt out and not get married because when you do get married, there’ll be children and you will impact other people more than you impact yourself – parents, children, friends etc.

Sri Lankan youngsters seem a little averse to commitment and long-term relationships like marriages. Do you think marriage will die off as an institution? 

I think more than the fear of commitment, it’s about the fact that people are independently stable and independently happy. Back then, when people got married, especially women, it was for the reason of security. When you look at our parents and our grandparents, most of the women didn’t work. Marriage was a source of financial, physical, and emotional support, because women were seen or deemed as the weaker sex. I think women today are very independent. They’re financially independent, they’re emotionally stable, and they’re emotionally stronger. Women don’t need a man to survive or to live. They don’t need them financially, they don’t need them emotionally. They are happy by themselves. 

That being said, a race must move forward. We need to procreate. When you find the right person to spend the rest of your life with, you should get married, and create children and make this earth a beautiful place to live in because that is how God intended us to be. But one shouldn’t marry for the wrong reasons. This is something I always tell young people. Yes, you should get married if you really want to get married, but not for the wrong reasons – because your friend got married, or your parents are forcing you. It’s not just boys, but the women in Sri Lanka today don’t really want to get married. I know of people who think they don’t want to be cooking for someone and looking after children and so on, but the thing is, marriage doesn’t have to be that way. Again, it comes back to what makes you happy.

I’m married. I’m very independent. I’m financially and emotionally independent and I’m still married. I’m still doing things for my husband and my children, and it’s not because I feel like it’s my duty to do those things but because my husband is my friend. It’s the way you perceive things. 

That is what creates a lot of problems in marriages as well. In Sri Lanka, when the in-laws see a husband helping the wife with the cooking or the cleaning, the mother-in-law might say: ‘Oh he’s doing the housework’. We shouldn’t label jobs around the house. If you are hungry, you cook and eat. I’m raising my boys (16 and 10) to learn to cook. Both of them can cook. It’s not a man’s job or a woman’s job. It’s about sustaining yourselves. These are life skills – cooking, cleaning, ironing your clothes. I don’t think we will have a time where marriage will become extinct. We will have marriages. If you find the right person, you get married. It’s the healthy thing to do, to live with one partner and basically be intimate with one partner for the rest of your life as opposed to a life where you don’t get married and you keep changing your partners. It’s unhealthy both emotionally and physically. It will be a beautiful thing if you can find the right person to live with. 

On the topic of marriage and relationships, what do you think about monogamy? Is it natural or manmade? 

Religion aside, yes we are animals but we have evolved to be the superior species and with that comes a lot of responsibility in the way we behave. Just because we’re animals, we don’t go killing each other for food. We have evolved. Similarly, the way you see monogamy is up to you. It’s not a notion that needs to be passed on to people or instilled in people. It’s how you perceive it. If you are not sexually happy with one person, yes, by all means, go and be intimate with someone else, because at the end of the day, you have to be happy to live with yourself. If religion is holding you back, it’s up to you again. 

As human beings, we also tend to get bored after a while. Especially when we have something, we don’t need it anymore. As animals, we like to look at nice things. It’s very natural to feel desire and like other people. The decision you make to go and have sex with another person is all defined by the way you’re brought up, your values, your culture, all of that. 

Would you call yourself a feminist?

No. I call myself a person who believes that women are independent; more than they’re told. Feminism is always interlinked with hating men. Looked at in the proper way, it should be about appreciating the fact that women are capable and that they should be treated equally. The gender of a person shouldn’t be the deciding factor of whether you’re treated equally. You should be treated equally regardless – whether you’re a child, whether you’re an adult, whether you’re an elderly person, or whether you are a person of colour. So people should not confuse feminism with being treated equally. You have to be treated equally anyway. It’s not even a question. I always believe that people are treated the way they behave. If you work in a company, and you’re not bringing anything to the table, you’re not going to be treated equally, whether you’re a man or a woman. All of the talk on social media about feminism, which is basically man hating, is discouraging people from growing emotionally. We have to teach people to be empathetic, to be kind. We must raise our children to have social values, and to have respect for each other. These are the things we should be talking about. 

What do you think about feminism?

It’s overrated and very commercialised now. 

What grounds you as a person?

I’d say the value systems my parents instilled in me. It’s very important to know and remember where you came from. 

Your message to our readers?

My message to people would be to encourage them to be financially independent. It is vital, whether you’re a man or a woman, to be financially independent. Along with that comes a lot of possibilities, even in making decisions. For example, many women are in bad marriages because they aren’t financially independent. Surprisingly, a lot of women in Colombo are getting into unhappy marriages and staying in such marriages because of that very reason. I think that if we educate our girls and teach them how to become financially independent, half of the problems women are facing today will be solved.