- What life with an abusive partner is like
By Madara Ranmuthugala
You tend to self-censor because you are used to someone peering over your shoulder. When your controlling partner has conditioned you to fear reprisal because of what you say, think, or do, even when you have left him, you self-censor. It is an invisible grip around your throat. He squeezed tight, and even though he is not around, you can still feel the ghost of the chokehold. You don’t want to keep a foot out of place because all you remember is how he made you feel fear.
Even if (and when) you get into a new relationship, you see only the potential for conflict and pain. You see your mobile phone as a minefield to be navigated carefully. You check whether you have shared too much information with others, too little with the new partner (even though he never asks for information), and whether you have cropped out the notification bar on screenshots so that the new partner can’t see anything to hurt you with. You are scared to leave your phone lying around but you also don’t want to make it look like you don’t trust him – where does it end! It is a veritable storm you are in and you look for safe harbour, and it is not your fault. It is only because you dated a psychopath at one point.
Controlling partners can use your interactions with others as a way to shame, hurt, or torture you. They can turn any innocent interaction into something problematic. For example, let’s say you talk to a male colleague or friend about a situation you encountered on the road. Maybe you had some person come up to you and ask you where they could buy some alcohol. Because it feels so odd that you would have to answer such a question, you joke about it with your colleague or friend. You later refer to this conversation with your partner, and he immediately turns it on its head by questioning why you would talk to another man about this and not him.
He says that you should be telling these situations to him first, if not only him. He implies that you have conversations with other men and that he doesn’t know these people or what you are telling them. He questions if he is not important to you and whether these other people are more important to you.
Then, he makes the small incident into an even bigger deal by telling you to share all your WhatsApp chats with any man with him. You refuse, but then he demands your passwords. You try to calm him down but he brings up past issues or mistakes and makes his request sound right. In his mind, or at least in his approach, it is right. But it is not. Read that again. It is not right. He does not have the right to your personal communication to threaten you and harass you (this example is based on a true story).
As Asian (and Sri Lankan) women, we find ways to accept this. We turn to culture or religion as a way to understand what is happening. You might think that you have done something in your previous life to deserve this or you might think that god is testing you. But, god isn’t testing you! The psychopath you are dating is testing you. Don’t confuse the two and allow him to drain your life force and energy.
What can you do to help yourself?
This is why you should not let him cut you away from your friends. Your friends know and love you. They want what is best for you. They may not understand what you are going through, but they will support you and help you when you need it. He, on the other hand, wants to break your relationships to isolate you. Don’t let him do that. If you are isolated, you will be at his mercy, which makes his life (and plans) much easier.
All he wants is control of you and your life. He wants to toy with you. Don’t let him. It is hard, extremely hard, to assert control or to walk away. No one will blame you if you don’t walk away because they don’t know the hold that he has on you. But remember, he is not who you think he is. Your ideas of romance, love, and companionship aren’t what he wants, or he is building.
Keep telling yourself all this to help you stay above water because being in love with someone like this is akin to drowning. You waded into the water thinking how lovely and warm, and inviting the water was, but before you knew it, the water had swelled and dragged you out to sea. He used your belief in the possibilities of love to heal and nurture, to hurt you but you can move away and forward.
There are many ways you can safeguard yourself after you have decided to walk away. Reach out to others. Let them help you. Whether friend or professional, an outsider can be a lifeline. They can help you establish that much needed connection to the outside world. Take it. You need it.
Don’t let your partner tell you that you can’t have friends or outside connections. Get away from him when you are able to, and cut all ties with him. Don’t think that maintaining ties will help the situation. It won’t. It will only increase the pressure he can exert on you. Get away from him and stay away.
If you have children with him, you might not be able to cut ties completely but you can reduce the times you have to interact with him. Talk to a lawyer or a support centre about your options, especially if you want to take legal action.
Enlist as many people as you can, to help you survive, heal, and thrive. Talk to them and clarify your issues. Don’t think that you need to safeguard the abuser or your relationship. Many women don’t talk about what they went through because they are ashamed of what they went through, or about having been duped. But that is a part of your past, and you cannot erase it. Find the help you need.
Read about other abused women and books on abuse: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft will tell you how women face abuse from the point of view of a counsellor who specialises in working with abusive men.
Learn to identify the signs if you are in a relationship, and learn ways to cope if you have got out of that tumult. If it has been a while, learn how to move on from the memories and to make peace with yourself and your past. Your past can help you become more in the future so don’t let him keep you down. You are worth more than this one person and no matter what you have done or gone through you deserve to be happy again. He cannot hold you down forever because you have the power to be happy again.
(Madara Ranmuthugala is a writer, editor, and researcher. She has a Master’s Degree in Development Studies and a Bachelor’s Degree in English [honours]. She writes and edits for local and international clients under the brand name ‘Mandy Projects’. Her research has been on gender, gender-based violence, HIV, food security, and technology and defence)
If you/someone you know may be dealing with a similar situation, the following institutions would assist you:
Ministry of Child Development and Women’s Affairs helpline: 1938
Women In Need (WIN) 24-hour hotline: 077 567 6555
Sri Lanka Police Child and Women Bureau: 011 244 4444
