Colombo Confessions is all about having a laugh. I’ve had the misfortune of associating with a wide cross-section of Colombo denizens. This column is a look at the lighter (sometimes) side of Lankans in the capital of Sri Lanka.
Greetings dear Colombites. There’s not much satire from me this week simply because what I want to discuss is much too serious a topic to joke about. Let’s delve into the spectre of generational trauma, which is something that I’m sure all of us, even myself, suffer from in one form or another. When we think about history, there are many groups that come to mind that have been affected by generational trauma – there are the descendants of those enslaved in the US, the Native Americans, refugees, those who have experienced substance misuse across generations, those who have survived childhood abuse or neglect, and family members of Holocaust survivors, just to name a few.
On our side of the pond, nay, within our own borders, we have those civilians who lived in the North through the height of the war, the internally displaced persons we hear of so frequently who are still suffering, the survivors of the ‘83 riots, and soon enough in the years to come, the generational trauma of those who survived the 2019 Easter attacks and the ensuing unrest will come to the fore. Not to mention Covid-19. Of course, this is all in addition to the generational trauma that we all deal with growing in a conservative culture where almost everything is taboo.
While there is enough contention present, it must be understood (and accepted) that psychic legacies are often passed on through unconscious cues or affective messages that flow between adult and child. Sometimes anxiety falls from one generation to the next through stories told. I know of too many people (both peers and colleagues) who have their share of trauma thanks to belonging to a family that is damaged. It seems such a generational issue that is both pervasive as it is insidious; the most common trope being one parent who was forced to marry someone who is not of their choosing while living in a state of dysfunction. And now it is a matter of making his or her child also suffer in the same way because, among other things, that is “how it is done”.
The ability to feel safe is probably the most important aspect of mental health. When we grow up within family dynamics that make us feel unsafe, unvalidated, or unheard in our feelings and experiences, we can struggle to move past our personal and familial trauma. This is a narrative that we seriously need to start on and maintain for quite some time. It should be every therapist’s job to help their clients experience what is known widely in psychology circles as felt safety, which is an empathetic relationship based on the therapist’s unconditional acceptance of the individual’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Often one child within a family is nominated to both carry and communicate the grief of their predecessors. The best example that I can think of in this case is how a drug-addicted parent will consciously or unconsciously hand over that particular dysfunction to their own child. Do you now see how there is new meaning to the whole adage of how history repeats itself? Trauma manifests itself in so many ways across generations. If past experiences can cause generations of harm, subsequent good experiences can remedy at least some damage.
I urge those reading this piece to consider looking up Gabor Maté, and his take on family trauma. While he himself is someone who has suffered a great deal of trauma, understand that he tries his best to ensure that healing is the way forward. Knowing how dysfunctional Colombo families are, what with their cultural and religious issues, it would hardly come as a surprise that kids nowadays are messed up in more ways than one. Societal and cultural norms with a tincture of religion have only served to offer some serious grief to the current generation.
Now, dear Colombite, I’m not claiming to be some expert in psychology, or even parenting for that matter, but I have to wonder, and I put it to you: We are the product of our parents, that is the whole point of an upbringing. And you more than anyone will know your own trauma that has been passed on to you from your parents and their parents. Isn’t it time the cycle was broken? Do you really want your golden child doomed to repeat your mistakes and live your pain too, only to pass it on to their children as well? Is that not generational wealth we can do without?
(Rohitha Perera is a writer, blogger, and content marketer from Colombo, Sri Lanka. He used to be an editor at a lifestyle magazine, and now works in the IT industry)
The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect those of this publication.
