When people share snaps with their friends on social media, we often see them use the caption, “with my therapist,” implying that they have a friend who is ready to support them no matter what, and ready to listen to them whenever they have a grievance to share. We also see some people toasting their friends who give them “free therapy”. When hard times hit, our first instinct may be to turn to our friends.
It is one of our greatest strengths in life that we have a shoulder to cry on, whenever we are in need. But can a friendship work as a relief to all our problems in life? Do our friends have the capacity to be there for us always without any judgement or bias, and accept us unconditionally, regardless of what we may have done? More importantly, is it fair on the friend that you expect them to be there for you, always?
While a friend must support a friend who is going through a rough patch, mental health experts say that sometimes substituting a friend for a therapist can be unhealthy, and it can also be harmful to the friendship that you have built.
A friend is not a trained professional
How could it be harmful? It is easy for us to open up to a friend with a problem as they are familiar. Your friend might already know bits of your problem, so it makes the process easier to tell the friend about your problem. But, have you considered how they may react to the things that we share, and how their reaction might impact us?
No matter how much your friends care about you, they aren’t trained to provide you with the right guidance each time you seek their support. Even with the best intentions, they can give the wrong advice, or fail to provide the right empathy, understanding, or insight. Beyond that, leaning too hard on your friends can poison the relationship, especially if you are seeking support from your friend to patch up serious mental health issues. Sometimes a caring friend’s listening might not be enough to untangle the confusions you carry.
A friend will want to have your back, always
In psychotherapy, if a therapist has one of their friends as a client, it is called a dual relationship. A dual relationship occurs when a therapist has a second, significantly different relationship with their client, in addition to the traditional client-therapist bond. Therapists are advised to avoid multiple relationships with a person considering the wellbeing of both parties. When you go for therapy, the accepting and empathic nature of the therapist makes you want to form a friendship with them. This too is considered unethical in the therapeutic setting, as forming a dual relationship will cause harm to the therapeutic relationship that you have built.
By nature, we tend to protect or defend our friends. Friends can tell you what you want to hear just to keep you happy and avoid conflict. Friends also tend to give advice based on their own experiences, which therapists are trained not to do. Sometimes in the process of trying to assume what might make us feel better, friends can make us feel worse, even with the best of intentions.
We care about our image
When you consider your friend to be your therapist, multiple concerns arise. We care about what our friends think of us. If you are concerned about what your friend might think of you when you open up about something you are going to have a dilemma on your hands. Do you tell them the whole truth? Quit? Fake it? Or alter what really happened? You might even feel shy about revealing certain things to your friend-therapist. Even if all these are fine, it may change the friendship outside of the therapy room, where you may start leaning on them differently when you are hanging out as friends. It might start hurting the friendship.
Be mindful of what your friends can handle
Not everyone has the emotional capacity to talk about the heavy things you’re going through. Every friend is different. Be mindful of their mental health and emotional thresholds if you decide to share your emotional burden with a friend. If you tell them something you think is harsh or unfair, they may start to think of you differently, as they are not trained to keep their biases, attitudes, and beliefs from affecting the relationship.
Why pay someone to listen to us?
One of the responsibilities of our friends and family is that they listen to us without expecting anything back. Some people have the mindset that they shouldn’t pay someone to listen to them – “When there are friends to listen to me, why should I pay a therapist to listen to me?”
If therapy was only about paying someone to let you vent or chat with them, it actually would be a waste of money. But a conversation with a therapist is only the surface layer of therapy that leads to self-discovery and learning new ways of coping.
Learn what therapy is
When we don’t completely understand what psychotherapy is, it’s easy to assume it won’t be more beneficial than talking to a friend. As aforementioned, conversations in therapy are only a small part of the experience.
Once you learn the differences between working with a therapist, and talking to a friend, it will be easy to see how therapy might be worth the investment. It’s more than paying to talk with someone, and it carries fewer risks than treating your friends like therapists. Therapy will help you to learn how to better manage emotions, challenge your negative beliefs, have a fresh perspective on situations and people in your life, improve good relationships and avoid toxic ones, and more importantly how to be authentic and understand who you really are. Therapists are also trained to identify any mental health issues or disorders that you may be experiencing, and have the training and capacity to guide you towards recovery or getting extensive help.
While we cannot deny that friendship is a crucial element in protecting our mental health – keeping us grounded, helping us get things in perspective, and supporting us to manage the problems that life throws at us – it is important to remember that we can’t replace a therapist with a friend, when you require professional help.
