Nathali Devinka was brought up in an environment where she was exposed to world cinema, music, and books, which influenced her direction towards the arts. She was always faced with the hard truth as a child, so from a very young age, her whole world was turned upside-down. She has experienced insomnia, depression, and hallucinations ever since she was about five years old, which also drove her to attempt suicide multiple times.
Her obsessive personality traits don’t make it easier to get rid of trauma, but that doesn’t define her anymore. She took it upon herself to face her inner demons and write her book Naked and Exposed on the challenges she had to go through. She is also currently working as an independent filmmaker and mental health advocate to break the taboo of speaking out about our mental health, especially in Sri Lanka.
In conversation with Devinka, she commented that she is truly blessed with a life partner who understands the darkest parts of her mind, and is fortunate to have a family who supports her. “My mother has a great influence on me. I get my strength and good values from her. Looking back at her journey has helped me to really work towards becoming a better human being.”
We spoke to Devinka on her book and mental health in Sri Lanka, and here’s what she had to say.
What inspired you to become a writer?
Naked and Exposed was prompted by my direct experiences with mental health. I never wanted to publish a book. At the time I was battling severe depression and a few psychotic outbreaks, periods of self-isolation, and multiple suicide attempts. So I just started to write about it. It was my family who pushed me to publish my story.
To be honest, although I spent my childhood expressing myself through poetry and writing, I never aspired to become a writer. I only wanted to become a filmmaker and a criminal investigator, but that was limited to my imagination. I think what I’ve experienced as a child influenced my writing and the path I took.
What made you want to put down your personal experience in the form of a book?
Like I mentioned before, I honestly didn’t write the book with the notion of publishing it. But once I was done, I had everyone at home read it, and they wanted me to publish it. That response made me realise the importance of speaking out, because I felt this release of difficult repressed emotions that I had buried ever since I was as young as five.
It’s really painful at first to talk about something that probably no one would understand. But it is what got me here. The more I spoke about it, the more I accepted my condition and really learnt the art of coping and living with these disorders. I continue to share my story because I want to encourage others to speak out and see how the magic works. It’s the only way to normalise mental health in Sri Lanka.
It truly liberates you, and really taught me to not focus on recovering completely but diverting that negative energy into art. I am still on medication as I still go through anxiety, nightmares, and obsessive paranoia every day. But I have more awareness, and my approach to handling the voices in my head is less destructive.
Your book is focused on mental health. What aspects of it do you talk about and how did you do your research?
Naked and Exposed is a memoir of my experiences with mental health starting from a very early age. I think I have evolved more as a person ever since that book, and I also have a cornucopia of disorders now.
It’s a very raw narration of my experiences and the whirlwind state of my mind back in 2018. I was still figuring it out, and I think honesty helped me to grow. People are not mind readers. So in a way it’s challenging for them to understand what we are going through, unless we express it. If we let them discover all the dark places in our mind, that’s the beginning of everything. The beginning of the road to recovery. And even after you express your narrative and people are being ignorant, then that’s just a learning process to teach you to stay away from toxic relationships and create boundaries.
What was the biggest challenge you faced when writing?
The biggest challenge I faced when I was writing was battling with my mental health at the time. I was very fragile and I didn’t have the awareness, nor the coping mechanisms I do now. I have very low self-esteem and I have given myself zero value. So whatever I wrote, I wasn’t satisfied with.
I have paranoia even after I answer a phone call. Did I say anything stupid? Should I call back and check? All sorts of racing thoughts. I have this preconceived belief that everyone judges me as a stupid worthless person and is laughing in groups talking about me. Even with this interview, the paranoia will crawl in and stay with me for months and months. I think that thought is completely influenced by all the bullying I had faced in my life.
Which line from the book is your favourite and why?
“You and you alone have the power to resurrect yourself.”
I think this line speaks volumes and I truly believe in it. It’s like we’ve been given a permanent horrible bag of food to survive. Are we going to die out of starvation, or are we going to find a way to make it edible?
We can’t let someone take complete responsibility for our sanity. Yes, we do need a support system that will understand and listen to us but we also need to understand there are certain steps we need to take if we need to start healing and speaking out is the key. You need to find someone you trust your emotions with and speak out to.
You are also a filmmaker. Tell me about that. How did you get into that field and what work have you done?
My father is a gifted filmmaker and is a legend in the television industry. I always felt his shoes were too big to fill. We were exposed to prodigious cinema, music and books and at a very early age, I became infatuated with the idea of becoming a filmmaker and every Oscars show I watched, I saw myself there and delivered my speeches in the bathroom. But I also watched the Olympics and saw myself there too!
There was also a period where I resisted the arts but it was always in my genes. I think I was very much influenced by the background we had at home. You know your childhood background is in a way inescapable. There are parts of it that will be etched in your psyche.
I worked as a television producer in two leading TV Channels in Sri Lanka, and I currently work as an independent filmmaker. I have directed music videos and I also directed campaigns for certain brands. I’m very selective about the projects I work on, as I truly believe to create great art, you above all need to connect with it and truly understand the narrative. That’s why I mostly work with my personal narrative.
Do you have anything coming up in 2021?
Well as for 2021, I’m working more on myself. I am currently on medication for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), anxiety, and depression. The past two years have been very tough on all of us, and it was definitely a learning period. It still is.
I think I’m learning more to manage my emotions and cope, as I’m forever on a mental battlefield. Although my soul can get dark and chaotic I will always remind myself not to be a monster and just be kind to one another. I feel like the only privilege one can have is peace of mind, and I’m working towards that.
And a book or a film? Well, I don’t think I’ll write a book anytime soon. I think I wanted to voice my experiences to de-stigmatise mental health, and I am so grateful there are so many platforms to talk about them. As for filmmaking, lately, I’m resisting the artistic route, but it just keeps finding its way back to me. I will definitely make a film, I don’t know when, but I just know I will.
