By Madara Ranmuthugala
A healthy relationship signals love, support, and acceptance, while an abusive relationship keeps you locked in a constant cycle of physical and emotional violence. Partner abuse is a silent, widespread phenomenon that puts many at risk and eats away at your quality of life. Filled with rosy hopes, you dive into what you think will be the relationship of your life, only to realise you’ve waded into a nightmare.
The scars from emotional abuse can linger for years. Even when the abuser has been out of your life for years, the feelings and experiences from that relationship never quite go away. Sadly, survivors of intimate partner violence are often reluctant to discuss the abuse, fearing retribution or social censure.
Aparna met Danuka at university. He wanted a relationship with her so badly that he constantly walked with her wherever she went and took every opportunity to be near her. Aparna, a bright young student making her way in a male-dominated industry, noticed the consistent effort he put in. She thought: “Why not give this a try?”
The signs of trouble started early. “The thing that made me feel bad throughout the course of the relationship was that he convinced me that I am the inadequate partner in our relationship, not providing emotional support as a girlfriend should,” said Aparna. “I tried therapy so that I can be more emotionally available. He said I don’t love him the way he wants me to love him. I wanted to be that person for him, so I tried to be that girl. I kept thinking he was sweet and that he would do anything for me. But I knew I had things I wouldn’t sacrifice, like my career, and he made me feel bad about that.”
Discussions on work and studies turned into constant fights with a recurring pattern. “Whenever we had issues, he would cry. Our fights always ended with me trying to console him, and none of my questions were ever answered. He always managed to turn it around to him, playing the sympathy card,” Aparna says. “I saw this red flag in the beginning but I thought ‘poor guy’. I kept trying to help him at the cost of my sanity.”
Their four-year relationship ended this year, with Aparna in therapy. For the longest time, she felt she could not leave Danuka because he was helpless and dependent. He constantly told her how important she was to him. “He said that I am the only one he has and that if I leave, he would be a mess. He doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents or friends. He could not manage on his own. He counted on me. I felt responsible for him but it felt like living someone else’s life.”
She mentioned that the way he spoke about her to everyone didn’t make it easier. “Girls love to have a boyfriend publicly acknowledge her. But Danuka did it on a scale I was not comfortable with. It was an added responsibility. This is why I couldn’t leave him even if I wanted to. It made me feel like I couldn’t leave him because of the high external pressure.”
Minoli can relate. Her former partner, Shehan, “clothed his attitude as concern” to control and change her behaviour. “I took buses to work because I wasn’t earning much, so I couldn’t hop on to a three-wheeler whenever. He said he didn’t like me taking the bus because there are perverts.” Another time, he had asked her: “Why are you dressing up like this, why not cover yourself up a little?”
Even though Minoli knew the red flags to look out for, she still ended up in a manipulative year-long relationship. “It’s difficult to identify abuse because by the time you understand it, you have an emotional relationship,” Minoli says. “That’s when manipulation starts. It is a play on empathy.”
Shehan applied pressure to get Minoli into the relationship and keep her there. “In the early stages, there were subtle threats: I knew he had a history of depression and that he had tried to take his life. The message was: ‘If you don’t date me, I might self-harm’. I didn’t want that responsibility, so I didn’t have the space to think about it. I was guilted into it.”
Later, Shehan isolated Minoli from her friends, and used her past relationship as ammunition to make her feel guilty or responsible for things she could not control (like her ex’s actions). He constantly harassed her about her ex-partner and insisted his life was affected by her past.
Minoli recalls how he consistently disrespected her and allowed other women to encroach into their relationship while expecting her to deal with how he was making inroads into her own friendships. “One of the tactics was to threaten to leave me,” Minoli remembers. “He laid the groundwork to make me think that I needed him – like I had nobody else but him to rely on. The message was, if he leaves, ‘you won’t have anybody’.” In the end, the relationship cost her friends and resulted in multiple visits to therapists.
Isolating partners from their friends and other social networks is a common tactic. It helps the abuser retain control of the partner by making her (or him) feel that they don’t have anyone but the abuser. The controlling partner strips away the abused partner’s agency, and makes them feel alone and responsible for what goes wrong in the abuser’s life.
Both women suffered because they weren’t consciously aware of the abuse. Even when they were, they found it difficult to walk away as a result of their partner’s deceptive tactics to keep them trapped. Looking back, they tell you to “trust your gut”. If it says no, or that your partner is trying to manipulate you, it’s trying to warn you.
Minoli said: “Look at how your partner treats you. Do they respect you? Do they make changes in their life once you start dating?” If not, or if they don’t respect your boundaries, you should re-evaluate your relationship. Aparna stressed that you should feel confident in yourself, and trust that you are worthy of a good relationship and that you are enough. Minoli said that you “need to feel emotionally secure and safe in the relationship”. They were lucky that their partners moved on from them without harming them further; not everyone has such a happy ending.
No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, and it is important that we all work together to stop abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, please reach out for help. Learn the signs if you are in a relationship, and learn ways to cope if you have escaped the tumult. There are many resources available, including therapy and support groups. There are many books that can help you understand and make sense of the situation, such as Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People by Jackson MacKenzie, and Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse by Shahida Arabi.
You are not alone, and you are worth fighting for.
(The author is a writer, editor, and researcher. She has a Master’s Degree in Development Studies and a Bachelor’s Degree in English [Hons.]. She writes and edits for local and international clients under the brand name Mandy Projects. Her research has been on gender, gender-based violence, HIV, food security, and technology and defence)
If you feel that you or someone you know may be affected by this content or may require help, the following institutions may be able to assist you:
The National Institute of Mental Health: 1926
Sri Lanka Sumithrayo: 0112 682 535
Courage Compassion Commitment Foundation: 1333
