By Grace Wickremasinghe
You may know Dush from his YouTube videos, cooking sessions on TV, or his infamous chocolate biscuit pudding, Bellissima. We were honoured to have a Q&A session with Colombo’s sweetest (pun intended) chef!
Growing up, what was it like at home and school? Was LGBTQI+ a community that you were aware of?
No, not really. I didn’t think there was an LGBTQI+ “community” per se and I assumed that I was probably a very strange outlier. However, in my mid-teens I met a few other friends who confessed their attraction to the same sex, and that helped me normalise the notion of homosexuality in my head.
In terms of your personal identity, how did you come out? Did you struggle to identify yourself or did you always know?
I think I always knew that I was attracted to other men. I just wasn’t sure if I was also attracted to women, because everything in my environment suggested I should be; and that’s how men are meant to be wired. As I grew older it became quite evident to me that my understanding was of course flawed.
My coming out process was a bit accidental. I had confided in a friend in college and she assumed I was open about my sexuality. The next thing I knew almost everyone I associated with on campus knew about it and I just had to come to terms with being labelled as the “gay friend”. I must say though, it was one of the most liberating experiences of my life.
In terms of mental health, do you think your struggles are different to a cisgender heterosexual?
I personally look at it in a very detached way. I think we all share some universal highs and lows in our human experience, but yes, there are some unique ones that come part and parcel with being gay. How we choose to face our problems comes down to each personality type and our individual outlook.
How do you feel about dating and relationships in Sri Lanka?
In my experience, most Sri Lankans would be closeted. I’m obviously not. Shielding our relationship from their friends and family was something I had to be constantly mindful of. Whenever I have dated outside of Sri Lanka, the entire experience was a lot freer. Do I wish it was more like this in Sri Lanka? Sure, but it is what it is.
What’s it like to be in school/university, or to be employed in Sri Lanka as a member of the LGBTQI+?
Well, I wasn’t really out in school. I don’t think my sexuality really impacted my school life. I was out in university and at all my old workplaces. I’m an easygoing person but I don’t tolerate disrespect aimed at me or anyone else who is LGBTQI+. I don’t know if I controlled the tone of people’s interactions with me or if I’ve been really lucky, and I have only been exposed to wonderfully tolerant folks (or both), but I’ve never felt disrespected because of my sexuality.
How important are allies?
I cannot begin to describe their importance and value. Sometimes having/not having allies could mean the difference between life and death.
What’s the most annoying gender and sexual stereotype?
For me, it’s when people tell me I don’t look gay. I think that translates to: “you don’t come across as effeminate”. This is really frustrating when it comes to dating. Guys assume I’m straight and don’t approach me and girls assume the same and do. This stereotype that gay people are supposed to look and sound a certain way bothers me a bit.
What’s the one myth about LGBTQI+ you want to bust?
Same issue I brought up in the previous question. Just to clarify though, there’s nothing wrong with being effeminate. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Just the notion that every gay man is expected to be so is what I’m referring to as a problem.
If you could tell anything to your younger self what would it be?
Relating to dating and relationships I would probably say, don’t date certain exes. Never get into a relationship because you’re feeling lonely. You’ll know it’s right when there’s always a sense of ease in your relationship. When you find that feeling, that’s the one for you.
(Grace Wickremasinghe is a passionate advocate and spoken word poet for marginalised communities, and a multifaceted academic with a law, gender and women’s studies, forensics, and psychology background)
