By Kusumanjalee Thilakarathna
Have you ever eavesdropped on conversations between parents with real or human children and conversations between pet parents? From what they feed their (pet) children, their behaviours, and doctor visits to discipline, have you noticed how similar these conversations are?
In human relationships, even the deepest love is “conditional” – the love we may have for others can change or even disappear based on our choices, values, and beliefs, sometimes, within a matter of a second. Meanwhile, the love that our pets have for us is mostly “unconditional”. Once we establish a bond with our pets, they continue to love us regardless of any personal flaws that might cause other people to stop loving us or call for judgement.
Many of us live with or have lived with an animal at some point in time. Since the domestication of dogs and cats thousands of years ago, the connection between humans and animals has been evolving. It seems that during the domestication process, animals have come to develop a profound relationship with humans. Compared with other domesticated animals, dogs and cats have developed a special relationship with humans. We consider and care for our pets as if they are a family member – one of our own. Some of us even refer to them as our children – our fur babies.
The mental health benefits of owning a pet have been proven by many scientific studies. It is a known fact that animals help us reduce depression, anxiety, and stress. In addition, they provide companionship and ease loneliness. Moreover, pets bring us joy.
Today, many people among us are investing serious time, money and attention in their pets. This is especially true for people living in Western cultures. According to the University of Central Florida, nearly 85 million American households have dogs. Only 35 million have children. There are about 4 million babies and 6 million puppies born in the US every year.
Humans considering pets as their children received serious attention early this year when Pope Francis suggested that people who choose to have pets over children are acting selfishly. This was not the first time Pope Francis has expressed a similar opinion, BBC reported. In 2014, he said that having pets instead of children was “another phenomenon of cultural degradation”, and that emotional relationships with pets were “easier” than the “complex” relationships between parents and children.
These statements triggered strong reactions on social media sites, people pointing out that having children should not be an obligation, but a choice and questioning how loving an animal dearly would take our humanity away. However, it would help us to understand ourselves if we consider the statement that focusing more on the relationships we have with our pets is a way of denying complex relationships from a psychological perspective.
Why do we form strong bonds with our pets? Do we really admire the simple nature of the relationship we form with our pets? While some pet owners may argue about the nature of the relationship being simple compared with the relationships we maintain with humans, we can explore what this bond we have with animals says about ourselves.
Psychologists explain our affection for our pets in terms of several different possible contributing factors. Humans have been breeding the species that we adopt as pets to have the physical characteristics appealing to humans, such as large eyes. These physical features that we consider so cute “infantilise” our pets; meaning we see them and treat them like infants, and we continue to do this throughout their entire lives The emotions they evoke due to these characteristics appeal to our subconscious nurturing instincts.
Similarly, because our pets are entirely dependent on us, they probably trigger some of the same protective and nurturing instincts as our human children do. It is rewarding and validating to us to have another being be dependent on us. Validation means that we derive psychological comfort and satisfaction from being perceived positively by others, and especially, from being perceived the way we perceive ourselves.
Social psychologists argue that pets are natural objects of human attachment, being easily accessible, active, and affectionate. We consider the ability of pets to bond with humans as fulfilling the need for attention and emotional intimacy, and it serves similar psychological and adaptive functions as human-human friendships. Therefore, our love for our pets is probably a function of multiple factors that contribute simultaneously to our deep affection for them.
It is possible to form unhealthy attachments to animals, but the attachment must become pretty extreme. If the relationship with your pet excludes meaningful relationships with human beings, then there may be a problem.
It is also important to remember that your unhealthy attachment with your pet can also be unhealthy and confusing for your pet. Your pet may try to get the upper hand in the relationship thinking that it is the alpha because of your behaviour. This can have an impact on the way you want your pet to behave. These unhealthy attachments may also result in your pet suffering separation anxiety – similarly to a toddler who becomes very upset when their parents leave them at the nursery or when they leave for work. This can even develop into a behavioural disorder and the same applies to your pet. We have heard people complaining about their dogs urinating on the bed or destroying property out of frustration.
Consider how much you allow your pet to interfere with daily life, whether your pet has seriously affected important relationships in your life, if you have given up relationships with family and friends, whether you spend most of your time thinking about your pet, to the exclusion of other matters or you have a strong belief that you cannot live without your pet. If you feel that the answers you have are raising concerns, it’s an indication that you should evaluate the relationship you have with your furry friend.
(Kusumanjalee Thilakarathna is a mental health professional and has, over the past ten years, contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages. She mainly focuses on topics related to psychology and counselling in her writing)
