This is a beautiful and majestic scene that epitomised friendship in J.R.R Tolkien’s magnum opus, and Peter Jackson’s epic film based on the same, The Lord of the Rings. Now isn’t that friendship? But how has quantity of validation trumped the quality of life so effortlessly? Having a whirlpool of friends is an occupational hazard, and a necessary evil now.
Sure, arguments will be made on how important it is in a corporate and work-oriented perspective to network wisely, and forge intimate working partnerships with your colleagues, peers, clients, and other stakeholder groups. Apparently to be amiable at all costs is considered an acceptable pursuit.
Solitary individuals and loners, more often than not, face considerable hardship and are persecuted or chastised for their individuality, regardless of how valuable their contributions are, or how thorough their output may be. It’s a common practice where a clique of lackadaisical and shoddy performers at an office will gang up on prime individuals who don’t share in their enthusiasm and zeal to bicker and bond.
I value teamwork immensely. And I too believe that when it comes to achieving goals collectively that there are more benefits in unity and synergy, than there is in scattered effort made towards a common vision or a set of goals. Having peers you can trust to have your back is integral. Having a colleague who you know you can rely on to pass the ball, who will not hesitate or flounder, is integral.
As it is said, a well-functioning team is akin to a steel fist in a leather glove; each of the fingers working in unison towards achieving one common purpose. But is a work colleague, or a social peer necessarily a friend? Are the thousands of followers who watch you live your life vicariously online your friends?
The art of friendship
Friendship is something that goes beyond the conventional definitions of the word. It’s an unbreakable bond that is formed through complete trust, shared experiences, similar plights and struggles, common dreams and ambitions; it is more than mere companionship based on material joys and perfunctory social functions.
Friendship is not dictated by the merit of opportunity presented. The value in a close attachment, a comradeship that stays true through thick, thin, turbulence, thunder, and tribulation is sturdier than steel, it is flexible as it is rigid at times, it induces mirth as it does anger. True friendship is a connection that you form with someone else at a much deeper level than you would an average peer, colleague, or even family.
Robin Williams once said that a friend is someone who listens to your BS, tells you that it is BS, and then listens some more.
Friendship is not ideally confined to the traditional laws of societal configuration and frameworks of conduct. It’s ugly when it needs to be, and beautiful when you least expect it. Friendship is brave, bold, and courageous under both fire and water. Friendship can be cold, calculated, and with a sharp sincerity that cuts to the core of one’s soul, grinding your bones to chalk.
It takes many years, numerous shared interactions of memorable moments, diverse transpiring occurrences, and unforgettable experiences that may vary from shared tragedy, to celebrated triumph, lost battles, and hard-fought wars in life.
Friendship is what gives us shelter from life’s harshest storms. Friendship is what nourishes you when you are hungry and thirsty. Friendship is what motivates you to face your challenges, wrestle your demons, and conquer your fears. Friendship is built on foundations of honesty, trust, integrity, tough love, purposeful pain, persecuted passion, and most of all, unequivocal and irrefutable value.
You can’t put a price on it.
Sincere friendship is nuanced and complex. It learns from mistakes. It evolves through regret. It never ceases to empower those who harness its essence. Like a fine wine that grows finer in time, friendship is a bond that grows ever stronger in time. True friendship is a beautiful thing.
Elbert Hubbard once wrote: “A friend is someone who knows all about you, and still loves you.”
Careful in whom you trust
Yet, you need to be careful of whom you let into your innermost circle. It’s wise to keep your most trusted circle small, because in life, experience will teach you that all manner of people, folks from all walks and straits of life, will waltz in and saunter out at different times along your journey.
Naturally, there will be those who add some worth and value to your professional, personal, and social life, while others will simply be a part of the throng, not really positive or negative, but just individuals that your energy draws in. Then, of course, you will attract like-minded beings who may share similar vibes, passions, and habits, but also share in your vices, addictions, and self-immolation.
Some people will just be sucked into your world like moths to a flame, or you to theirs, clutching onto the inevitable magnetic pull of people who are influential. It could be those you look up to, or admire, it could be someone you are intrigued by, who charms and enamours, someone who provokes you to act impulsively and contemptibly.
In life you will have those who you dub as friends – much like those who you dub as lovers or romantic partners, or persons of interest – that hurt you, cause you emotional damage, and psychological disruption, gaslight and mistreat you, exploit and use you; but you eventually realise through certain pains and losses that they were never really friends per se, but rather fleeting phantoms that pirouetted into your existence for only a transitory period.
The point is this – we are all human beings. We are all flawed. We all have major and minor failings in life. More often than not, we tend to subliminally espouse the motto of misery loving company, and end up being a negative force in peoples’ lives. Sometimes they will be adverse entities in ours.
And there’s really no crash-course rulebook in picking out the poisoned weeds out of your garden of flowers. Some lessons in life can only be learned through experience. It cannot be taught or ingrained, except for caveats – warnings that many would pay no heed to.
We are drawn to danger, demise, and tragedy.
The thing is, in life it’s a lot more fun being with dangerously adventurous people, risk-takers, and rebels, than it is with goody-two-shoe, saints-in-the-making types.
But of course, life in all its complexity and rattle your cage’s glory, isn’t trite and predictably mundane.
When life tends to unravel, and we find ourselves at the beck and mercy of father time and mother destiny – when we begin to comprehend how limited our lives are, to make an impactful difference. Once we become veterans of the bittersweet circumstances that change, bend, and break us – it is then that once we are weathered, outlaws torn and soldiers of fortune, and grasp that have wasted opportunities – oh, it is then that we take stock of the choices we’ve made and the consequences we’ve wrought.
It’s up to us to identify those who have our best interests at heart, and those who dilly-dally and parade around like public officials at a political fundraiser working their charm, charisma, conniving wit, and networking chops to earn curry and favour with those who are advantageous to them.
An indisputable sign of someone untrustworthy is someone who feigns a saviour complex, or “big brother” syndrome, those men and women who have way too many associates or peers they easily label as friends.
You’ll find that they all have certain triggers of attraction. They have an obsessive compulsion to be hooked into either quality, situations, surroundings, attributes, perks, and opportunities. Once they lose the triggers that have them hooked on, their impetus and interest dwindle. Friends are not opportunists, narcissists, and scavenging time-servers.
Prof. Jordan Peterson points out three quintessential qualities of a true friend:
- Someone who feels bad about your bad experience: Someone who can empathise with your grief, loss and pain, but also not be pretentious in being there for you and offering you help or assisting you to resolve any problems you have.
- Someone who celebrates your achievements genuinely: Someone who doesn’t envy your accomplishments, or compete with your success. But sincerely is happy for you and rejoices alongside you
- Someone who assists you to work towards self-growth, and develop along the way: Someone who encourages you to adopt, calls you out on things that no one else will, inspiring you to harness your talents and skill sets and forge your way towards success systematically and strategically
Make sure you choose your friends carefully, without haste or impulse. A true friend is scarcer and rarer than you think. Be grateful for the real friendships that add value to your life.
Beware those who masquerade trying to please everyone, score brownie points, and get into almost anyone’s good graces. Those are people without loyalty. People who will sever ties with you, and estrange themselves from you because you have no more worth, and nothing that enthuses and validates their self-interest to offer them.
True friendship is a miracle. A true friend, a gift. Think of Sam and Frodo. It needn’t be someone who can shoulder your burden, though it may well be someone who will carry you with your burden into mountains of fire.
(The writer is the frontman and lyricist of Stigmata, a creative consultant and brand strategist by profession, a self-published author and poet, thespian, animal rescuer, podcaster, and fitness enthusiast)
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The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect those of this publication.